Selfless, Selfish, Somewhere Between

I'm pretty sure my DNA contains something that compels me to try to help people. At the same time, I'm shy and uncomfortable around anyone I don't know well. It can be a strange combination at times. Part of me wants to walk over to the elderly lady in the checkout line and help her carry her bags to her car, yet another part curls into myself and hopes I can scurry out of the store unnoticed. What I know for sure is the dichotomy of the two compulsions breeds feelings of guilt.

My dad is one of those people who will help any of his friends with any project he can. He'll lend anything he owns. He's shy, but gives freely of himself to those he knows. Growing up seeing this generosity of his time and resources on a daily basis taught me some lessons. Some were the types of life lessons you'd expect: giving has its own rewards, most people are inherently kind, and you don't need a lot of money to help others. One other lesson came from the other side of the coin: people will disappoint you. Sometimes over and over.

I do try to help others, but it's hard for me to know where the line is. When should I take a step back and start protecting myself from the people who disappoint me? Is it selfish to think along those lines? If it's just time, is it that big of a deal? If we're talking about stuff I don't get back, it's just stuff...... is it worth altering a friendship? Is it a friendship if I feel I'm only around for the other person to use? Am I able to use my thinking side over my feeling side well enough to know the difference?

I get called selfish quite often. It's funny; when I'm called that, I'm not feeling it. Most often, I'm feeling overwhelmed. You see, I'm called selfish most often in reference to my time. When I turn down invitations to social events. There's only so much of myself I can give. If I try to go beyond my limits, I end up cranky and snippy - who wants that? Is it selfish to recognize my limits and say no, knowing I may appear aloof and possibly conceited? I don't know the answers.

All I know for certain is I'm trying to find my way through this life the best way I can, and I won't always be able to please others. I'm trying not to feel guilty about that when it happens.