How Much Is Enough?

I admit I don’t want it all.

Sometime in the last few decades, American society decided women should want to do everything under the sun: marry, raise children, have careers, participate in their children’s activities and take time for health and exercise, among other things. I’ve heard this idea referred to as being “Wonder Woman.” Didn’t anyone ever notice that Wonder Woman didn’t have children?

I’m 42 years old. I am unable to have children of my own. I have no wish to adopt. Somehow, this makes me either worth pity or selfish and in need of feeling guilt. I ask why?

I have a fantastic husband, a dream job with a great company, good friends and family nearby. We have a mortgage and car payments, but no credit card debt. We can travel when we want. We spoil our nieces and nephew. We donate to charity. I feel fulfilled. This life, to me, is the definition of “having it all.”

My husband and I tired of hearing “when are you going to start a family?” about fifteen years ago. We ordered special license plates for our cars that read NO KIDZ in response. That did stop a lot of people from asking but it didn’t stop the pity, nor did it stop the guilt trips.

“You don’t know what you’re missing until you see it through your child’s eyes.” Maybe. However, I know I’m not missing dirty diapers, crying tantrums, the colds that pass around the family non-stop or always being tired. I don’t doubt there are many rewards when you’re a parent. I see it with family and friends. I still don’t believe that being a parent is for me. I resent the implication that I’m less of a person or that I’m selfish because I don’t want children.

My husband is not pitied for being childless, nor is he made to feel guilty for choosing not to be a parent. All I ask for is the same respect for the choices I’ve made.

Ghosts of Employers Past

We’re all shaped, for good and bad, by our previous employment situations. I had a bad day yesterday - whiny, on edge, and a bit paranoid from the chemo pain - and it left me wondering what type of impact I myself have upon the employees I shepherd.

In the shower this morning, it occurred to me that the worst bosses I’ve had have been the ones that let their personal lives affect work in a hugely negative way. They may have been perfectly qualified to do the work they were hired to do, but their interpersonal skills when it came to employees sucked. For example, I once worked for someone who was very knowledgeable and carried a lot of clout. After working in the company for a month, I lost almost all respect for him. Why? He was having an affair. It was an expected part of our jobs to hide his affair from his wife and children. We were minions to do his bidding, not really considered equals. What he did on his own time was his own business, but the minute he made it mine - and made me compromise my own integrity as a condition of employment - he lost my respect. If any of us had been forcing him to compromise his integrity on the job, he would not have hesitated to fire us. I remember feeling horrible every time I lied to his wife or children, and yet I felt trapped because I needed that job.

Not every situation is black and white, and sometimes you have to choose the lesser evil. What came out of that situation, for me, was a resolve not to place anyone I manage in any situation that would compromise their standards of integrity. I have no way of knowing if I’ve fully succeeded; I sincerely hope I have. If I don’t, I hope I’m called out on it.

Where I've Been

I haven't posted much over the last few months, nor have I updated Twitter often. My life changed in a moment, as many lives have, with one statement, "You have cancer."

It was a twisted road just getting to the diagnosis. I can't help but wonder how many people are out there, undiagnosed, simply because they accept what their doctors tell them without question.

My journey began with a simple prescription refill. I take Zoloft on a daily basis for anxiety. I was running low on pills, and didn't relish going back to the doctor I'd seen in the last year. As anyone who has taken this type of medicine knows, quitting cold turkey is not an option. Long story short, I needed an ally in my health battles, not a judgmental authority figure. I did a bit of a search, and found a general practitioner who has a special interest in women's health issues. Bonus: her office is less than ten minutes from my house.

I went in for my first appointment with her at the beginning of September. I've been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in the past. We discussed various treatment options, and she did the normal annual screenings. I was having some pretty severe menstrual problems, to the point where I told her I'd be happy to have a hysterectomy and be done. We both agreed it would be best for me to see a gynecologist. She set up a referral.

Now, a bit of background. I've dealt with severe menstrual problems for over a decade. I'll spare you all the details here, except to say I've seen several doctors, including a reproductive endocinologist. Each time, I was sent home with, "you're perfectly normal, aside from the PCOS." The only treatment options I was given made me ill, and when I expressed that, I was told to simply put up with it.

So I saw a gynecologist at a local clinic at the end of September. He did an exam, and prescribed norethindrone. When that failed, he set up a few more tests, including an endometrial biopsy. This is an in-office procedure that can be fairly routine - as long as you've had children or a procdure to dialate your cervix in the past. I had not. I was not instructed to take anything (such as ibuprofen) beforehand. It was an excruitiating experience, and he was not able to get the biopsy he needed. He scheduled a D&C for mid-October.

The D&C was routine. The pathology report came back stating, "endometrial hyperplasia without atypia." This means there were some abnormal cells, but nothing cancerous. After the D&C, my bleeding was so severe I had to have a blood transfusion on November 6th.

This doctor's recommended treatment for my condition was to insert the Mirena IUD. Once again, keep in mind I've never had children. All the research I've done on Mirena, and IUDs in general, do NOT recommend inserting them in women who have never had children. Further research on my part found research studies ongoing using the Mirena to treat PCOS. Ok, so at this point my feeling is that I'm becoming a guinea pig. I'm uncomfortable with the recommendation, frustrated that things have become so bad I needed a transfusion, and disillusioned in general. I started asking my colleagues for doctor recommendations.

I made an appointment with a new doctor for mid-November. It took him less than two minutes to tell me my uterus was enlarged about three times the size of normal. Because the previous doctor had not done a PAP smear, and it had been about eighteen months since my last one, he also took that sample.

The PAP came back abnormal. I had a colposcopy on December 3rd. During the procedure, he noticed some abnormal cells that concerned him, and decided to do an endometrial biopsy. This time, the procedure went without a problem. The colposcopy samples were benign, but the endometrial biopsy showed possible cancerous cells. He was stumped - I had just had a D&C less than two months previous that should have revealed any cancer. Back to the operating room for another D&C on December 15th.

December 18th, the pathology report came back with the diagnosis: uterine papillary serous cancer, grade 3 cells. This is an uncommon, aggressive form of cancer that acts quite a bit like ovarian cancer. I had a total abominal hysterectomy on January 15th, and am currently awaiting the staging. I'm facing chemotheraphy. The surgeon also found that I had extensive endometriosis - and probably have had this for some time.

I'm still stunned. If I hadn't listened to my body, to my intuition saying there's something more here, I'd be sitting here with a Mirena IUD, and cancer that would be spreading.

Listen to your intuition. Be your own advocate. Gather as much information as you can. Don't take no for an answer.

Getting Late - Rob Thomas

this life keeps moving on
gone away before too long
so tell your friends just how you feel
you'd better say it loud for the world to hear

'cause it's getting late, it's time to go
the paper moon is fading slow
but the night, it keeps moving on
'til it takes you in; it brings you home

while you're watching over the moments that make up your life

it's getting late that's the way it is
you cant deny when it feels like this
and it's strange whats it's bringing out
you're gonna open up, 'cause you cant stop now

it's getting late, you don't know how
you're wide awake, but you're missing out
you get your kicks while you can
then you go to work to pay the man

while you're watching over the moments that make up your life
it's getting late

"No Miss"

Of all the things I do at work, one of my favorites is telling new employees about our "No Miss" guideline:

"If you have kids/family/etc with school programs/graduations/plays/etc, you may not use work as an excuse for missing the occasion. If you just don't want to go, that's one thing; but don't tell yourself, 'I can't, I have to work.' We don't want you missing important milestones in your families' lives.

Pay attention to the things that are truly important (good, bad, whatever). Make your decisions accordingly. We will accommodate you (within reason, of course ) to the best of our ability.

Remember to practice a good work/life balance! If you are out of town on business over a weekend, have spent a lot of late evenings in the office, etc., please remember to make it up to your family."

Real Life Is Not Like the Sims

I love the Sims. I can play for hours.

My Sim girl is successful - top of the career ladder. She's mastered cooking, guitar, painting, and (very soon) writing. She's owner of a theater, a bookstore, and a partner in a diner. There's money in the bank. She's lucky, has a sense of humor, and people like her. She makes friends easily. Her house is small, with just the essentials. I've found the simpler I keep it, the easier it is to play.

Now, I look around my own house...... stuff everywhere. What compels us to collect so much?? Would life be easier - like the Sims - if I got rid of most of it?

Books I've Read Lately in 10 words or Less

Serial - Jack Kilborn and Blake Crouch
Disturbing, with a strangely satisfying ending.

Home Safe: A Novel - Elizabeth Berg
Co-dependency takes center stage.

Hide in Plain Sight - Marta Perry
Romance. God. Amish country. Suspense.

Dexter in the Dark - Jeff Lindsay
Serial killer loses then regains his muse.

The Host - Stephenie Meyer
Alien takes over, human fights back.

UR - Stephen King
Evil pink Kindle. What else to say?

Vinegar Hill - A. Manette Ansay
Dark, depressing tale of failed marriage.

A Reliable Wife - Robert Goolrick
Period story of family dysfunction and arsenic poisoning.